Biting Remarks
by LeahLumos
Summary: It's Fifth Year and the Marauders have successfully become Animagi. After a full moon, Sirius has an issue and James isn't much help. (Very punny) NOW HAS TWO PARTS.
1. Biting Remarks

**A/N: **

**I wrote this late at night on Labor Day when I should've been sleeping, so it's a little nutty, but is that ever really a _bad_ thing in Marauder fics? xD **

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**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns these fabulous characters. **

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_**Biting Remarks**_

Sirius Black was lying on his bed in the Fifth Year Boys' Dormitory, covered in at least seven different creams and ointments. His face was blotchy, he was insanely itchy, and the words in his potions textbook were blurring slightly due to his sleepy, bloodshot eyes. He had barely enough energy to keep turning pages after keeping Moony contained the night before. He was absolutely miserable. Letting out an aggravated groan, he continued to resist the urge to scratch himself. While he was in the middle of internally cursing Fenrir Greyback for turning Remus into a werewolf, James Potter walked into the room.

James took one look at Sirius, and promptly burst out laughing.

"Hey Padfoot, Moony just told me the funniest joke. Want to hear it?" James greeted when he could finally breathe.

Sirius turned his head to the side to glance at him, said, "No." and continued to search for itch-relief potions he would force Remus to make for him later.

"What's the difference between dogs and fleas?" James asked, lips twitching.

Sirius shot him a dirty look and kept quiet.

"Dogs can have fleas, but fleas can't have dogs!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows, not amused. "If you don't want today to be your last, I suggest you quit taking the piss or bugger off Prongs." His voice sounded bored.

James grinned. "You know Sirius, sometimes I think you should just become Padfoot permanently. You wouldn't make half as many death threats."

"Ha! That's rich considering I wouldn't even be in this situation if it weren't for that mangy mutt! Now the tail, I can live with. But the fleas?! They're _murder_!"

"Maybe you should invest in a flea collar." James suggested innocently.

"Very funny."

"Why don't you just go see Madam Pomfrey? I'm sure she could fix you in less than a second."

"Oh, of course Prongs. I'll just stroll into the Hospital Wing covered from head to toe in small red dots with Madam Pomfrey asking me a billion questions about how I got them. 'You see Poppy, I secretly became an _illegal animagus_ this year that happens to take the form of a _big, black __**dog**_. The fleas just couldn't resist my long, shaggy locks!' That conversation will go smashingly." Sirius said dryly.

James smirked. "Merlin, Pads. What's with all the _biting_ remarks?"

"That's it. OUT JAMES! GET OUT!"

James snickered as he ducked the Potions text being thrown at his head and exited the dormitory to go pester someone else. Presumably a pretty, green-eyed redhead.

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**A/N: **"_**Normally, I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. In fact, more than once, James suggested that I make the change permanent. The tail I could live with. But the fleas? They're murder." -POA movie **_

**Review?**


	2. Biting Remarks II: Padfoot's Revenge

**A/N: **

**I had some pretty great reviews from the original story and as it was my favorite one to write thus far, I figured I would add another part. I didn't think James would've gotten off that easily. **

**So enjoy, Biting Remarks II: _Padfoot's Revenge_. **

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**Disclaimer: ****These terrible puns are all my own, other than the flea joke I got from the internet, and JKR owns these characters.**

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_**Biting Remarks II **_

A few full moons have passed since Sirius' last major encounter with fleas. He hasn't had any more spots that needed a good scratching, he hasn't bothered to read his potions textbook in weeks, and the cursing of Fenrir Greyback has gone back to only an occasional occurrence. Padfoot's life, and skin, was finally getting back to normal. The only downside to not having had fleas in a while was James' teasing. James was constantly reminding him of the look of his face covered in the small red dots and Sirius wanted revenge. He just wasn't aware of how soon he would get it.

Approximately three months after his incident, Sirius woke up earlier than the other Marauders and decided to go to breakfast without them. He was still incredibly tired from the previous night's activities, but nothing sounded better than food at that moment, so he left his friends to sleep.

Peter joined him in the Great Hall a little over an hour later.

"I'm going to go visit Moony, want to come with?" Peter asked when he finished his breakfast.

Sirius put down the Daily Prophet, "I think I'll just go back up to the dorms, Pete. Catch a few more hours sleep."

Peter nodded and walked away, so Sirius stood up and groggily walked back up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower. As he reached for the door, he heard a quiet moaning. He slowly opened the door.

"Prongs . . . Are you dying?" he asked as he stepped over the threshold.

He then spotted James, curled up in a ball on his bed, and started laughing. Loudly.

James was covered in small red dots.

_Flea bites. _

"Yes. Are you happy now?" His voice was muffled by his pillow.

Sirius snorted. "Oh, of course not." He was positively _giddy_.

James turned his eyes to the ceiling, as if asking for patience, shook his head, and looked over at Sirius.

"Go ahead then, Padfoot. I know you've been wanting payback, so out with it." he sighed.

Sirius cracked his knuckles, cleared his throat, and made himself comfortable on the edge of his bed. This was going to be good.

"I've noticed you have some sort of insect bites all over your body, James. Maybe you should invest in a _flea collar_."

James rolled his eyes. "Great, I'll keep it in mind. Can I leave now?"

"But James, I heard the most _fascinating_ joke a few months ago, and I just _can't wait_ to share it."

"Oh, Merlin help us all." James muttered to himself.

"Yes I know, it _is_ that great. Would you care to hear it?"

"Only because I know I have no choice."

"Right you are."

Sirius started in a very professional, mock-James voice, but near the end the imitation was ruined by his own laughter.

"_What's the difference between deer and fleas_?"

"I don't know, Sirius. What is it?" James answered dryly.

"_Deer can have fleas, but fleas can't have deer_!"

"Hilarious. I can't help but feel that I've heard it before though. "

"Right? I think I should go _stag_, write my own jokes. I'd make a killing."

James glared at him. "Or end up being killed."

Sirius shook his finger at James. "Now now _Bambi_, that's not a very nice thing to say."

James' eyes widened. "How do you even know about that movie? I swear, if you've been chatting up Evans, Sirius, I will neuter you."

"Just some passing conversation I overheard between her and Mckinnon, but _Merlin_, Prongs, _what's with all the **biting** remarks_?"

James got up from his bed. "That does it. I quit! Moony is my best mate now!" James yelled as he threw his hands up and stormed out the dormitory door.

"You know your hypocrisy isn't very en_dear_ing, James!" Sirius called after him, to which he got a response of, "Piss off, Padfoot." and a rude hand gesture. _  
_

Sirius smiled to himself. The dormitory was now empty except for himself and he could catch some more sleep.

Ah, revenge is sweet.


End file.
